I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
