i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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