Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
