Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just pee around me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
