When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
