I'm eating all of the evidence.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
