Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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