I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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