dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
