Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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