Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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