First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
