i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
