god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
