How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
