No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
