My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
