My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
