Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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