I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
