The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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