I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
