My hand turned me down
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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