Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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