I think my vagina is haunted
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
