My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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