I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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