Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
