Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
