Don't make out with my wife yet
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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