I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
