Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Randomize
