They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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