I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
