You smell like a Billy Joel song
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
