ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
