I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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