Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
