the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
