You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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