At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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