woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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