sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
