Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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