Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
