The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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