She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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