He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
