My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
home. puking in laundry basket.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
