at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
