i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
